The Last Night

I am on my way to you. Will you be able to receive me once I arrive? I was informed of the situation not long ago, and already I am heading directly to you. I have thought about you fervently since I received the news. No matter, large or small, could remove your silhouette from my mind. 

Of course, this is not the first time you have taken up residence in my thoughts. Prior to tonight, your presence was very much familiar with the deepest recesses of my mind. Every minuscule detail of your delicate figure has lain claim to various regions within me. I feel your touch on my forearm, your hair brushing against my neck. Your voice ephemerally sojourns through the layers of my brain, just as ripples through the ocean create gentle, rhythmic rocking to an anchored boat. You guide my path, every day I live by your discretion. 

How could I not be by your side now, of all possible times. How could I have failed you so decisively so? Will you forgive me?

As I drive through the darkest of night, alone on these winding roads, I cannot help but recognize the absence of life. Black walls are to my left and right reaching towards the place once occupied by the Sun, which has now deserted its most loyal observers. Will you be like this Sun? Will you desert me before I get to witness your glory again? 

I promised you I would be by your side soon. What does that word even mean? ‘Soon’ is so subjective. For a mother, her newborn will soon grow up and fly the coup. For the old man, whose wife has passed away, leaving only him to care for himself, death cannot come soon enough. How could I have been so careless? 

You are not far away from me now, and I can’t help but think back to the first day we met. I, slouched over a book on the outside terrace of that little hotel we love, taking breaths only when accompanied by a drag from a cigarette (the only fault you found in me, as you like to tell everyone), was unaware of you walking by on the street below. You walked by, saw me, walked a bit further, and, turning on a dime, walked back towards where you just came. My ignorance to your redundant trek further intrigued you, leading to your shouting up to me. ‘Don’t you see I have walked by three times in the past minute. Do you not get the hint?’ Your effervescent smile drew all the air out of my lungs — the cigarettes did not help, might I add. I could not speak. I stared at you, the moment feeling almost oneiric. That is it, I felt as if dream had merged with reality. You spoke to me. Not in the literally sense (although, you did), but it was as if your words penetrated the air and filled my lungs with life. Maybe I should say you spoke into me. You could have said anything, and all would have been the same. I was rejuvenated by your voice. And that was that. We set off on a voyage of love which no one could possibly comprehend. You became the source of my will, the life which pumped through my veins. Before you, I wondered why people did not commit suicide more often. After you, I forgot all about death. Death no longer had a meaning. This must be my fault. I denounced death, and it reared its unrelenting head. 

I can see the lights from the city now, and I can make out the building where you are staying. I know I will reach you before it is too late, but still not soon enough. What are you thinking about right now? Are you cursing my name, or are you crying for me? Is there a place for me to lay beside you? Who is there with you right now? Are they caring for you as I would? They must be. No soul could catch even the slightest glimpse of you without begging to care for you. You are the best of this world. Without you here, death regains its meaning. People will die to be in your presence. 

I am driving up to the building now. My heart is dying to see you first, it has almost pushed its way out of my chest. I rush up the stairs, knowing the elevator would not understand the hurry I am currently in. I find your room, the door covered in notes from the many people who have been blessed enough to be met by your warm smile. I stop at the entrance, conceal my worry behind that smile you so often adore, and slowly open the door. My heart slowly recedes back into its cavity. You are not there. 

‘No worries,’ I whisper to the empty room. I will find you again tonight, in another world. This night, I will see you again for the first time.