Tag: Existential

“How can I kill myself with this view?” Elias whispers, to no one in particular, watching the waves flop on the shore as the sun began its nightly crouch behind the coastline. Behind one wave, four glistening dorsal fins break the surface revealing a dolphin family breaching for air.

“How can I do it?” Most people plan this part, he thought, but he was not one for making plans. He didn’t plan on today being the day, either. For some reason, unknown to himself, he drove down to the beach on his way home from his job as a news writer. The last story he wrote was about a medical school student jumping to their death after failing an exam.

If an exam is worth killing oneself over, why should I still be alive? I have failed at almost everything. At that moment, a young man in a suit, with the pants legs rolled up just enough to keep the surf from soaking them, walked up to Elias. 

“We are a little overdressed for this setting, huh?” It didn’t dawn on Elias until then how out of place he must have looked to those around him. He had a lunch earlier that day, where he was praised, and given an award, for his reporting on the mass genocides happening in China. This was his last major work, written more than four years earlier, detailing his adventure sneaking into the “re-education camps.” He was still wearing his suit from the lunch. 

Elias snaps back to the conversation. 

“Yeah, I guess we are. I didn’t plan on coming out here today. Did you?” 

“I did, actually. I … well I had a plan to sort of end my life today. I know that sounds crazy, I am sorry for throwing that on you.” The young man must have been ten or more years younger than Elias, his whole life still ahead of him. 

“No, you aren’t throwing anything on me. Why the suit?” Elias, whether intentionally or unintentionally, ignored the striking similarities between their situations. 

“I guess I thought you showed up in Heaven wearing the same thing you died in, ya know?” A quick, pain-filled laugh escaped the young man. Elias never thought about that, probably because he never gave much thought to what happened after death. 

“That is an interesting idea. Why would your clothing matter, though? Interviewing to get in?” Elias flashed a hidden grin at the young man, who retaliated with his own. 

“It’s for my baby girl. I wanted to impress her, show her the best part of her dad when she first meets him.” A single tear dropped like an anchor from the young man’s face, pounding the ground with the force of all the waves Elias watched break on the shore that day. 

“She will love that suit. I am sure she is excited to meet you. What is her name?” The young man was taken aback, as he expected Elias to try and stop him from taking his own life. 

“She doesn’t have a name. We never decided on it before she died, and none seemed worthy enough after she was gone.” a slow, steady stream of tears reflected light from the North Star now shining high in the sky. 

“We just call her our baby girl, now. She will always be that.” The young man dropped his shoes in the sand and took a seat next to Elias.

“What will you say to her when you see her?” 

“I haven’t thought about it. Maybe that I am sorry we couldn’t save her. Maybe nothing at all. Words may mean something different in Heaven. She has a few months of experience up there over me, so I will have to learn from her.”

“Yes, let her lead you. She will see how much you love her, and feel how much you love her, and hear how much you love her. Let her lead you.”

With that, the young man got up and walked into the ocean. 

Elias thought about his life, and how he still had no children of his own. He has a girlfriend he thinks he loves, but they have not discussed children. He never gave much time or effort to building a family, he focused only on writing and adventure. Children would have kept him from all the crazy experiences he had to live through to be a better writer. 

The full moon was now high in the sky, lighting up the beach for Elias. He looked around and was immediately reminded of his own life. He was always giving a voice to the voiceless, but rarely were his feelings ever heard. It is easy to garner attention for those going through rare events, but his everyday troubles were often overlooked. It seemed to Elias as if no one ever listened to him unless he was writing about someone else. 

Some time passed before Elias noticed one man walking out of the water towards him. By his walk he could tell the man was old, and his matted wet hair revealed he had been swimming under the water.

“Why are you out here all alone so early in the morning?” The drenched old man, now brightly illuminated by the moon falling behind Elias, seemed more concerned than intrigued.

“Well, it is actually late in the night for me. I drove out after work and have been sitting here thinking about life.” Elias wanted to be as brave as the young man had been when telling him about his plans, but decided it was best to remain vague.

“That sounds similar to my situation. I came out here to kill myself.” Exhaustion resonated in the old man’s tone, showing how tired of life he must really be.

“Why didn’t you?” 

“Well, I tried. I swam far out, chasing the setting sun. I kept chasing it, but it was much faster than my old body could handle. I decided if I am too old to catch it, I must be close to death anyways. Why not come back in and wait for death to catch up to me. It is much faster.”

The sincerity in the old man’s voice comforted Elias, distracting him from his own thoughts. 

“Why chase after death if you’re willing to wait for it?” 

“That’s a good question, young man. It was the same question I asked myself about halfway out into the ocean. It reminded me of the way I met my wife. I chased love for so long, with no success at all. Finally, I decided to wait for it to find me. What do you think happened?”

Elias thought the answer was obvious, “It found you fast?” 

a smile broke across the man’s face, who was now sitting in the same spot beside Elias where the young man first sat.

“God no. Love takes its damn time. years! But once it found me, those years waiting were all worth it. Those years I spent with my wife were better than I could have ever dreamed. She is, was, amazing. Anyways, I think that is how death will be. It will take a long time — longer than desired — to find me. But once it does, boy will it be welcomed.”

“I am sorry to hear that you lost her, she sounds like a great woman.” Elias was not sure of the right words for this situation, which almost never happened. 

“She was a pain in the ass, sometimes. But most of the time, she was an angel sent down to save me from myself. She returned home yesterday, and I promised I would visit her home soon. I am not sure how time works in Heaven, but I am sure she will understand if I take a little longer to get there. I always liked taking the long way home.”

With that, the old man got up and walked down the beach. 

Elias sat in silence and watched the sun rise. Once the sun was up above the horizon, and people started filling the beach, Elias stood up, took once last glance over the area where the young man disappeared into the sea, and then walked to his car.